Guest Author — Andrew Susskind LCSW, SEP, CGP

It's Not About the Sex:
Regulating the Nervous System after Sexual Addiction

Addiction is an attempt to feel better, but the relief is short-lived, and the suffering always returns. Because all addictions such as sexual compulsivity result in nervous system dysregulation, they cause inner turbulence. Dysregulation describes a disruption in the autonomic nervous system — up-regulation describes anxiety, panic attacks or rage, and down-regulation describes depression, dissociation or shutting down.

Either way, there's an imbalance, leaving clients with one of the greatest opportunities in recovery — reclaiming regulation and resiliency. Peter Levine, the founder of Somatic Experiencing and author of Waking the Tiger, believes that it's our role as clinicians, to help clients restore the wisdom of the nervous system. Although sexual acting out is an attempt to regulate the system, it's highly-disruptive. The nervous system is like an inner barometer letting you know if you're regulated or not. A client is more likely to relapse when dysregulated, and more likely to stay sober when regulated.

Recent brain-body therapies such as Somatic Experiencing and Brainspotting offer portable tools such as tracking sensations, grounding and orienting to regulate the nervous system. Resourcing is a self-regulation tool which involves re-visiting past experiences, memories or relationships that were nurturing, loving and fulfilling. Clients can also tap into inner resources their love for music or their generosity of spirit. Both inner and outer resources feed the nervous system. Resources can become a touchstone for nervous system health leaving clients with less likelihood of using sex as a mood regulator.

For many years we've known that the body remembers, and now we know that trauma gets shelved in the subcortex of the brain — a storage place for highly unpleasant memories and experiences that were too much to process at the time of the event. When we educate clients about the brain-body connection, they often feel more hopeful and see that relief is within reach.

What does the nervous system have to do with sex addiction? Human beings have basic life functions of breathing, heart rate, digestion, elimination and sexual arousal. The nervous system is divided into two parts — the sympathetic and parasympathetic branches. The sympathetic branch tells you when to fight, flee or freeze, and the parasympathetic system focuses on resting and digesting.

When the nervous system becomes over-activated or under-activated, all of the basic functions become impacted, and we try to return to a state of equilibrium. For instance, your daughter's teacher calls to let you know that your seven year old is crying uncontrollably because she was bullied at school and wants to go home. Immediately, your heart rate increases and you feel yourself getting noticeably warmer and flushed. In this case, the nervous system propels you to drop what you're doing and pick up your daughter right away.

When a sexually-compulsive dad heard about his child in distress, his automatic pilot immediately took him to thoughts of acting out sexually. Although these compulsive fantasies have been an attempt to temporarily regulate his nervous system and cope with anxiety, they become a form of avoidance rather than a productive way to cope with stress. Hopefully, he found a way to pick up his daughter, but he was initially distracted and lost in fantasy.

When clients feel dysregulated, they want to do anything to get out of emotional pain. In the context of sex addiction, acting out sexually has become their go-to behavior to try and reduce suffering. Getting rid of painful feelings becomes the focus, and the compulsive cycle continues. By recognizing resiliency as a preferred inner state, your client will start to see light at the end of the tunnel. Practicing self-regulation on a daily basis reminds the nervous system that the emotional suffering will pass. We all regulate ourselves differently at different times, and these activities may include meditation, journaling, exercise, talking with a trusted sponsor or playing with a pet.

As part of somatically-focused therapy, clients learn to identify when they feel most like themselves. And the good news is that they have the potential to be more regulated more of the time, if they experience it and practice it. Because we live in a world full of addictive temptations, it's a constant challenge to build somatic awareness.

Regulating the nervous system is a powerful antidote for sexual compulsivity. It's where clients start to notice a more buoyant inner state, and in turn experience deeper contact with others. On the other hand, dysregulation perpetuates isolation and disconnection. Because humans are biologically-wired for connection, surrounding yourself with emotionally-dependable people is a key toward intimacy and real connection. As a result, vulnerability to relapse decreases.

It doesn't matter whether a dysregulated nervous system is the cause or the effect of sexual compulsivity. Instead, a deeper awareness of dysregulation along with the willingness to practice a more regulated lifestyle will promote sexual and emotional sobriety. It takes patience, practice and perseverance to fully experience a regulated nervous system one day at a time. Finding a somatically-trained professional — possibly a Brainspotting or Somatic Experiencing Practitioner — who fully understands the nervous system will make room for vitality and balance — a missing piece of the sexual recovery puzzle.

Andrew Susskind is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker, Somatic Experiencing Practitioner and Certified Group Psychotherapist, working with individuals, couples, families and groups. He speaks before community organizations, and has taught at the UCLA School of Medicine Doctoring Program. In 2014, Andrew released a workbook entitled, From Now On: Seven Keys to Purposeful Recovery, and his book, It's Not About the Sex: Moving from Isolation to Intimacy after Sexual Addiction, will be published in early 2018.