September Membership Meeting Write-Up — Madeline Taylor, PhD, LMFT

Family Grief:
How You Can Help Your Clients
Navigate Grief Tsunamis Together"

Presented by Debi Jenkins Frankle, LMFT

Debi Frankle, an expert in loss and grief, is also a grief therapy trainer whose practice is located in Calabasas. Last month she offered us her considerable expertise in helping families manage the emotional tsunamis that follow significant losses. Grief is commonly understood as a deep, emotional response to loss. The loss of self-sustaining connections, the sorrow and grief that follow are a factor that affects our patients as well as ourselves in probably every condition.

Debi believes grief is a normal and natural reaction to significant losses such as: a person, group, job, beloved pet, etc., which affects our sense of security in the world and/or our sense of selfhood. Debi reminded us of the resistance to grief that manifests as being sullen, snappy, withdrawn, angry, irritable, easily overwhelmed etc. Grief is expressed in different ways and can be indirect at times. This can complicate the process of grief within the family system.

In order to deepen our awareness of the role that grief plays in our lives and in the lives of our patients, Debi listed some of the many causes of grief: death of a loved one, divorce, loss of a self-defining job or role, change in financial status or any other kind of status, loss of trust in a close relationship, loss of fertility, miscarriage, loss of independence or freedom, (e.g injuries, aging) loss of employment, (e.g. retirement) competitive defeats, moving, loss of health, loss of culture, (e.g. immigration, discrimination, social oppression), to name a few. Each of the common causes of grief can cause sorrow, emotional suffering, and can feel threatening to our security in the world. It can also alter our sense of safety, as well as our individuality and our own identity.

Debi spoke about the importance of understanding that within a family unit, grief affects every member in multiple ways. She explained that each individual responds differently to loss, which can also appear as anxiety, depression, and even anger. All of these emotional states are normal reactions during the grieving process.

As clinicians, we have the capacity to acknowledge and accept the legitimacy of a patient’s feelings. Unfortunately, we live in a world where judging feelings has become acceptable. We constantly see clients who have come to believe that “there is something wrong with me.” Our culture makes no room for grief and instead advises grievers to “get over” a loss. Our world has become quick to disparage and pathologize those who are experiencing perfectly appropriate reactions to severe loss.

So, what is our role in the grieving process? How can we function therapeutically for clients? How can we help family members support one other? The old saying, “misery loves company,” is a simple way of describing the human need for the comforting acceptance of others after we’ve experienced a loss. By our radical acceptance of whatever emotional state each family member is in, by naming these feelings, defining them and explaining their legitimacy, we offer each family member an experience he or she needs. If someone can support them in the state that they’re in, whether it’s sorrow, anger, depression, anxiety, despondency, etc. then they can at least feel “not alone” in those moments. When the injury is loss, non-judgmental companionship can be palliative.

So, first we might examine our capacity to be with someone who is grieving, who is sad, who feels lost, without feeling the pressure to alter their state of mind. Generally, others may believe it is important to cheer the person up, or “not let them wallow” in their grief. Often, with good intentions, people say things to grievers without realizing certain words or old techniques can hurt or alienate them further. Debi provided many examples of those kinds of statements, illustrating exactly why people need therapists!

As Debi spoke about how “grief walks into our offices every day,” it took me back to a new patient I had some years ago. This client sought counseling due to sudden and severe panic attacks, but after some exploring it turned out that this man’s older brother, who had functioned as his protective father-figure, had died three months prior. The panic attacks had started just after the funeral. Debi’s comment reminded me of how grief shows up in our practices every day, sometimes masked in various ways.

My patient made no conscious connection between the loss of his brother and his feelings of anxiety. We discovered together that he had grown up believing his value to his family and friends rested on his notion of being like Superman; the heroic protector of the weaker kids on the block, who had no needs of his own. My sixty-year-old client truly believed that he should be like Superman. It wasn’t conceivable to him, that “Superman” would ever be anxious nor need anything from anybody. His sense of security which, since childhood, had rested upon his brother’s presence in his life, was not conscious in him. However, it seemed to bring comfort to my client every time I acknowledged the legitimacy of his anxiety in relation to the one family member who always stood by him, defended him when he was younger and upon whom he could unconditionally rely. Gradually it started to make sense to my patient that his brother’s death could cause him anxiety. His previously un-conscious feelings of sorrow and grief began to emerge as his anxiety subsided, making it possible, gradually, to process this life-changing loss and re-constitute his sense of himself.

Debi trains and prepares clinicians to aid in the process of uncovering grief which might be slightly beneath the surface of protective mechanisms, so that it becomes available for gradual integration into conscious experience. She provides ways to support clinicians to understand that the grieving process within a family unit might seem more difficult in family sessions. Difficulty can occur because a family of grievers trying to process the loss simultaneously yet in their own individual way, might sense that their emotions or lack thereof are hurtful or disturbing to other family members. At times, clients may not feel like there is room to grieve when other family members are grieving. My client who felt the need to be like Superman, demonstrated that manifestations of grief can appear at any time and in any form and can be affected by what the grieving person believes others expect of him or her. This explains why my client was afflicted with panic attacks but it took three months to acknowledge that he needed help.

We clinicians should discuss with patients that the intense feelings associated with grief aren’t permanent. Although it takes time to process grief and loss, it is always possible to regain hope and happiness. Debi makes it plain that she will hold that hope for those clients who might not believe that that will ever happen for them. Debi encourages all of us to develop our capacities to aid patients in acknowledging grief and to participate in creating relationships which help them bear it.

To find out more about Debi and her upcoming events, please visit her website at privatepracticegrief.com. Her next webinar is on November 2, 2019 and will be recorded for everyone to access from her website.

Madeline Taylor, PhD, LMFT, has been in practice for 40 years. She is associated with the Institute of Contemporary Psychoanalysis and has taught attachment theory, self-psychology, and intersubjectivity theory for 30 years. She has offices in Santa Monica and Calabasas, seeing adolescents, adults, and couples. “Nothing is as powerful as human understanding.” (George Atwood)