Charlyne Gelt, Ph.D.


Connections!

Home

Chapter News

Natalie Jambazian
President's Message
Read


Ariel Cohen
Legislative Updates
Read


Douglas Green
July Membership
Meeting Write-Up
Read


Katie Busse
Ethics Committee
Read


2021 Board Slate
Read


June Board Minutes
Read




Member Columnists

Charlyne Gelt
Cinema Therapy
Our Souls at Night
Read




Member Highlight

Katie Busse
Read




Sponsors

Newport Healthcare
Read




eBlasts

August 2020 eBlasts
Read


September 2020 eBlasts
Read




Contact Us
Read




Resources

Professional Resources
Read


Community Resources
Read


September-October 2020

Cinema Therapy — Charlyne Gelt, Ph.D.

Our Souls at Night


"I can feel guilty about the past, apprehensive about the future, but only in the present can I act."
— Abraham Maslow

We are grieving for a lot of losses in today’s world, which is one of the reasons I chose the film Our Souls at Night to review — it has some important messages for those who grieve the loss of a loved one and can’t seem to find the courage to move on to a new chapter — or wonder if they even should.

Based on the award-winning novel by Kent Haruf, Our Souls at Night is about widowed neighbors in a small Colorado town who search for — and find — comfort and love with one another in their later years.

The movie takes us into lonely widow Addie Moore’s (Jane Fonda) adventure into a new chapter of her life which begins when she knocks on the front door of neighbor Louis Waters (Robert Redford) with a unique proposition: Why don’t they counter their mutual loneliness by spending the night together, non-sexually, just sleeping side-by-side. That’s it — just sleep. Although they’ve been neighbors for decades, they’ve had little contact. They hardly know each other. Their children have grown up and moved away, and now they’re each left alone in their big houses. Addie’s courageous initiative changes both their lives for the better.

Initially, the reclusive Louis is taken aback by Addie’s suggestion, so Addie backs off. But after mulling it over, Louis recognizes the truth of his emotional isolation and loneliness, which pushes him in a new direction. Though still hesitant, he contacts Addie and they start spending their evenings and nights at Addie's house, connecting with each other’s hunger for touch, talk, friendship, and compassionate caring.

Their late-night love story begins not with a youthful magnetic sexual attraction, but with “pillow talk,” each listening from the heart to the other’s memories and life experiences. Through their platonic “pillow talk” they explore the basic, normal needs in any healthy relationship — belonging, attachment, emotional safety, and emotional intimacy. They discuss everything from ordinary daily activities to confessing to some of their unmet needs and regrets. We become privy to the details of each character’s prior marital relationship, and we bear witness to those dysfunctional relationship dynamics — the erosion of a sense of self and the whittling down of one's self-esteem, as in the case of Louis’s shame about his marital affair, and Addie’s trauma believing she caused the death of her young daughter who, when left untended by her older brother, Gene, wandered out and got hit by a car. Over time, their pillow talk evolves into a loving relationship that includes sexual pleasure and play, satisfying the deepest unmet need of all — to be loved unconditionally.

A major issue occurs when Addie's troubled son, Gene (Mathias Schoenaerts), whose marriage has just fallen apart, drops off his own son, Jamie, 7, to stay with his grandmother while Gene tries to get his act together. Jamie ends up spending the entire summer with Addie and Louis. Louis steps up to the plate as a “grandfather” and even adopts a dog for Jamie. At the end of the summer when Gene returns to pick up Jamie, he confronts his mother about her relationship with Louis. He doesn’t approve of Louis’s past affair and wants his mother to break up with him. Addie, however, steadfastly refuses to end her relationship.

Later, when Addie is hospitalized after a fall, Gene attempts to persuade her to move in with him and Jamie. Initially, Addie refuses, but as other issues surface, such as her concern over Gene’s drinking and possible child neglect, Addie decides to sell her house and move in with Gene and Jamie. This sacrifice on Addie’s part puts her relationship with Louis in jeopardy; she realizes she has to let him go. But Louis, who has been changed to the core by Addie’s love, now reaches out to Addie (as she reached out to him at the beginning), and she gladly rekindles their relationship.

Psychological Implications
The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances: If there is any reaction, both are transformed. — CG Jung

Psychotherapists who work with issues across the lifespan recognize that it is not uncommon for one to feel depressed, lost, and lonely after one’s spouse dies or is placed in long-term care. For some widowed seniors, the depth of loneliness verges on desperation leading to drugs and alcohol as coping strategies. What do you do with all the years of memories? Where do you go for contact and friendship? The stillness, the silence of their lonely nights, is deafening! They still yearn to be held and heard but there is no one available to listen and comfort. These issues are all real challenges in working with grief and loss.

Bound By a Common Wound.Our Souls at Night is about two widowed neighbors, who find themselves in this exact situation. Louis seems at risk for giving into his depression and loneliness, but Addie summons up the courage to create a new chapter in her life, which is what motivates her to knock on Louis’s front door (thereby debunking the traditional idea that a woman must wait for a man to make the first move!) Her bold action changes both their lives.

The message of Our Souls at Night is clear: When we experience a significant loss, such as the death of a spouse, and see ourselves sliding into depression and grief, we are ultimately responsible for taking an action to start the change. Knocking on Louis’s front door is the action that changed things for Addie. We must be creative and find ways to nurture our potential, champion our self-reliance, and attend to our relationship health. We must get rid of the deadened aspects of ourselves. But in times of crisis, it’s all too easy to forget how much wisdom we have buried deep within ourselves.

True change is work. It’s a deep inner journey, a descent, and a search for what gives life meaning. Growth and change is a moving process. It is not a straight shot. Rather, like a spiral, it moves round and round, reassessing and continuously evolving. Yet your difficulty, your crises, can become a challenging opportunity for growth that will push you past your fears and out of your comfort zone as it did for the couple in this film.

There are many people like Addie and Louis out there, each one with a story to tell, often about early childhood emotional wounding, life crises, and turning points. By taking the emotional risk of connecting with one another, Addie and Louis challenged some of their own destructive beliefs, altered how they viewed themselves, and found a new destiny.

We need to be the drivers of our own destiny.




Charlyne Gelt, Ph.D. (PSY22909) is a clinical psychologist who practices in Encino. She leads Women's Empowerment Groups that help women learn the tools to move beyond self-destructive relationship patterns. She may be reached at 818.501.4123 or cgelt@earthlink.net. Her office address is 16055 Ventura Blvd. #1129 Encino, CA 91436.





San Fernando Valley Chapter – California Marriage and Family Therapists