Member Contributor — Sue Cristol, LMFT

Being the Objective Observer

When we enter into a relationship with a client, it will become clear within a short amount of time how much insight they have. Perhaps there is some confusion that needs to be sorted out. It could be that a specific relationship or stage of life issue is the impetus that drove the client to seek help at this time. Maybe there’s a crisis. Sometimes, someone just needs a neutral, non-judgmental ear to bounce thoughts and feelings off of. I could go on and on with all the different sorts of scenarios that a therapist could encounter in a relationship with a client.

The question is — How much do we steer our client toward a goal(s) that we may have inadvertently decided were the most important ones? And are they ready to go? Ideally, we have discussed some potential goals in the first sessions. Part of our role is to try to guide our conversations toward therapeutic issues that have previously been discussed. Of course, we have an ethical obligation to maintain appropriate boundaries. Even so, countertransference can really be a challenge in some cases. When we are triggered by a client, our objectivity could suffer. This is something we therapists need to be vigilant about or we risk damaging the therapeutic alliance. If a client perceives that we are losing our perspective, the trust could be threatened.

There’s much written about how critical a neutral stance is for therapists. The reality is that we are human beings with feelings and unintentional biases. Pushing a client into talking about a traumatic event (for instance) before they are ready is a mistake. It could cause the client to shut down. When we proceed with patience, empathy and curiosity, many times we are rewarded. We gain trust and a client may be comfortable enough to share important information. This can open the door to trauma focused work or even shame focused therapy.

It can be a real struggle to sometimes keep our opinions to ourselves. Giving advice is risky and not our role. Rather, we need to provide clarity, facilitate reflection, encourage reality testing and model being that objective observer. There’s no doubt that we can influence our clients’ thinking and behavior. However, when does it go from being therapeutic to simply telling the client what to do? When that happens, an ethical responsibility has been compromised. Our unique position should not be taken advantage of. We are not a friend, family member, coach or clergyperson. We are a neutral sounding board, sometimes the only one in a person’s life. We provide a rational perspective when our clients’ emotional intensity clouds their judgement. We don’t participate in their self-critical appraisals or critical appraisals of others. We encourage factual interpretations of events and remind our client that feelings aren’t always facts. We listen.

When we do our jobs well, there is no other person to provide what we provide. This critical truth can sometimes get forgotten amidst the upset and trauma we navigate our clients through on a regular basis. I take a “three-minute breathing space” to center myself and relax in the realization that I don’t have all the answers, but I am fully present, bringing my authentic self to the session. I have faith that it will all come together when I proceed with patience, empathy and curiosity.

Three-Minute Breathing Space: (When Antidepressants Aren’t Enough by S. Eisendrath, MD)

Sit comfortably in a chair, close your eyes or gaze softly ahead of you, and center yourself.

First minute: First, focus on whatever physical sensations are present for you right now, such as contact points your body is making with your chair. Second, shift your focus to whatever thoughts may be present, just notice them, but do not try to debate them. Third, notice whatever feelings are present. Complete these observations without judgment.

Second minute: Narrow your focus to the breath moving in and out at the nostrils, chest, or abdomen. Keeping the focus, notice if the mind wanders and gently bring the attention back to the breath.

Third minute: Expand your awareness to the body as a whole, perhaps feeling as if your entire body is breathing (that is, expanding and contracting with each breath).

Finish by bringing your attention back to your setting in a gentle, peaceful way.

Susan Cristol, LMFT, is a licensed marriage and family therapist. She works with children, adolescents, couples or adults. Susan stays current on research in the field of special education, as well as research and the many writings in the areas of psychology, sociology and marriage and family therapy. Her specialized training includes (but not limited to) cognitive behavioral therapy, trauma and abuse, domestic violence and play therapy. She may be reached 818.426.5546 or at https://susancristol.com/contact.